Mexifeudcon was a great success; thanks to all. It's hard to single out one moment from so many splendid items on the Feudist programme, but for us here at Feudist Control, East London One True Feminism's item has to be the highlight. To take a simple message -- essentially "You're all washed up, Bond, you'll never work in this field again!" -- and stretch it out to 48 minutes without hesitation, deviation, repetition or once dropping below 5000 decibels must be an achievement which would put even the grand old Feudists of old in the shade. East London Oxford Shitheads' jealous attempt to eclipse this tour-de-force with an improvised Lady Bracknell act was pretty good too. (And talking of acting -- can anyone explain Richard Lewis?) Catherine McThing's "You bastards spelled my name wrong!" was a tiny gem. Finally You Lot Out There are beginning to show some signs of discipline and commitment.
The committee really flayed each other alive to make sure everyone, from the greenest little shithead neo to the most feud-weary blase old profeudist got really involved in good old-fashioned feuding. Again, it's difficult to single out one section for praise, but I'm sure all agree that the You'renotwelcommittee was a fine innovation, that future Feudcons must take up. As one of its victims said later: "He really seemed to believe that he'd loathed me all his life, and that my very existence was a personal offence that he was unable to bear. It was GREAT! What a pleasure to be treated that way!"
Some outside elements specially imported from the USA gave us all a lot to think about in terms of how much we have to learn. Moshe and Lise's "No you go to check out; I wanna stay up here. I had to check out at Corflu, while you just had a good time!" showed us all a new concept, full of that hard, dry New York style and their own inimitable wit. Comicsfeudprodom did its bit too; Neil Gaiman's "Check your sources, you stupid little crudzine person!" will be remembered long after Neil himself is forgotten. Good Stuff all round and let's make Novafeudcon even better.
But there is always Room For Improvement. While 200 of us were in the feuding halls, working away for the Revolution, there were still the Rotten Elements who went to the programme, sat around in the bars having a Good Time, went out for meals and held room parties. Sydney Jordan (so-called "Nicest Man In The World") is number 1 target for Feudfiction in 1990 -- don't forget. John Jarrold needn't think he fooled Feudist Control either, or the Six-Year-Old Twins, and as for the Chicken Brothers, words fail us.
The absolute nadir came on Sunday morning. Elitist Pro Bastards and North London Fakefans were seen sitting in the bar, doing a "newspaper quiz" on "crime fiction" (those who wouldn't dare get blood on their hands in Real Life seem happy enough to read stupid books about it), laughing, working together and generally behaving despicably. Apart from trashing Dave Langford for getting all the answers first they showed no sign that they had any idea What It's All About. Names have been taken and rivers of blood will flow and no Miss Marple, Steve Carella, or Max fucking Carrados will do a thing about it, so there.
Worse, it is rumoured that a new cult is coming, called Born-Again Bugfuck Neos, which will make Daveism look like a sensible political philosophy conducted by disciplined people. This is a very serious development, which may pose the biggest threat to Feudism since Phil Palmer. The basic idea is that neos, knowing nothing of the Important Ramifications of their actions, have a more healthy attitude to life and a better time because they just get on with things. Some fakefans and even worse, erstwhile or supposedly active Feudists are intending to emulate their obscene behaviour. CAN YOU IMAGINE A MORE DANGEROUS CONCEPT? Watch out for tall Canadian pros laughing hysterically at student fanzines, eating Wriggly Worms and throwing Green Slime at people.
Still, all things considered, for a scratch event, Mexifeudcon showed distinct signs that BLOODIER TIMES ARE COMING. This is no reason for complacency, but here at Feudtun we can afford to give ourselves a pat on the back, before we put the knife into our enemies', as usual. Go for it!
From The Paranoia Kid, 95 Wilmot Street, London E2 OBP, with apologies to ATom.
One-off flyer (1989)