Dead Parrot Issue
Bringing the real true news we couldn't print. Would I lie to you?
IT'S OFFICIAL! MIRACLE AT CONGRESGEBOUW!
The Pope has officially proclaimed an incident at the Netherlands Congresgebouw, when a woman cursed for 96 hours with the inability to stop talking suddenly fell (almost) silent, to be a miracle. The Abbott of St Michael's said: 'This truly shows that God cares for all newshacks. Glory Glory.' All-purpose expert Caroline Mullan added: 'This is proof of God's great justice and mercy.' John Dallman smiled beatifically.
The miracle was discovered by Oliver Gruter, thought to be an Outer Mongolian masquerading for Jesuitical purposes as an Englishman, a German and a Dutchman; but CF&CFI was unable to interview him as nobody knew what language to use. OuSFG guru Ivan Towlson said, however: 'This has made me see the light, Glory Glory. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.'
Sceptics' groupie David Langford urged caution: 'Without belittling this poor afflicted woman's feelings, I wish these bloody Christians would shut up. There is a perfectly rational scientific explanation. The woman was clearly cured by the beneficent healing effect of L. Ron Hubbard's Fans of the Future. Glory Glory.'
Asked for comment, CF&CFI issue editor Steve Linton said: 'Sorry, no time. We've got six variant issues mastering at once and nothing left to print them on.' 'Bloody Fan Repro!' said Ben Yalow impersonator Bernie Peek.
SHOCK AS DOBSON CHATS UP LANGFORD: MOTHER'S RESCUE DASH
Dead Parrot party-goers gasped in relief when a mother ran to save her child from a fate worse than death at the hands of Tech-ops' Dermot Dobson. Her decisive action broke off a conversation whose sheer length set the whole party buzzing.
Miss Rebecca Langford was airlifted to Chichester at the con's expense, and examined by the renowned Dr Robert Jackson. He declares her physically and psychologically unharmed.
INTER-VARSITY PEDANTRY COMPETITION
Results are still unavailable, as Abbott and Towlson have got onto Fermat's Theorem.
LITTLE MAL'S A BIG, BIG SUBJECT
Prodom proclaims Malcolm Edwards The Man We Are Talking About. Whatever the topic -- parties, dinners, Hogu Awards, or such arcana as outside readers and unsolicited manuscripts -- Mal's name always came up. After his narrow second to Fred Hutchings in 1987, British fans and pros are united in rejoicing.
'It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy,' said Unwin Hyman author Geoff Ryman.
Ops request urgent calls only -- they're a bit tied up at the moment.
MISSING REDHEAD SAFE — POLICE BAFFLED
The mystery of Kate Solomon's Sunday night disappearance has been solved. Glitzy Kate returned to a grieving newsroom llam Monday, clad in a black PVC catsuit, capable of simple tasks but totally unable to remember where she'd been. Later she admitted having been 'judging the Masquerade'.
Produced by AJF, just off the boat. Thanks to all who came to play in the newsroom. Alas, alack, the Dick is down; and all the girls weep in this town.
How many Dutch sf fans does it take to do the programme changes? One to find the newsroom, one to look for the programme book, two to read it, one to get confused, and three to read the calendar. How many British fans? One (but to be fair, he is a researcher in particle physics) .
STOP PRESS !!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman who had been struck dumb regained the power of speech today. Miracle expert Abigail Frost said: 'This one's down to the NHS. Vote Labour'.