Mrs Margaret Hansen, the Prime Minister (Consummative, Kensington East) announced a series of measures aimed at combating the terrorist menace of the LIP (Leeds Insurrectionist Party). "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the fanzines, we will never surrender! We, the British people, the true and loyal people of England's green and pleasant land, will deny them the oxygen of publicity! Henceforward it will be an offence, punishable by life imprisonment" [Honourable Members: "Bring back the rope!"] "for Michael Ashley to appear on television, radio, in fanzines, or, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated without my government's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than a great many steel chains and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. These evil men must be destroyed! Exterminate!"
The Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, Mr Neil Pickinnock (Raver, Whingeing South) deplored Mrs Hansen's proposal. "While I bow to no woman" [Mrs Linda Pickersgill (Superfan, South Ealing): "Shame!"] "Bow to no woman or man or hermaphrodite or transsexual either in my sincere repugnance at the vicious terrorist activities of the Leeds Group, in particular Mr Simon So-called Ounsley, I implore the people of this nation to ask themselves whether, in any credible universe, the Right Honourable Lady, who comes after all from a different fucking planet, can possibly make any substantiable claim to speak for the people of England? And I further ask them [back-bench yawns] to consider in their hearts what a gratuitous fucking insult her claim to speak for the people of England is to the loyal and stout-hearted people of Wales! Rather than occupy this House's valuable time with redundant, potentially back-firing and totally fucking useless and stupid measures against Mr Michael Wanking Ashley, the Right Honourable Lady should instead introduce an emergency debate on the real and burning issue of our time -- to wit, Lake and Edwards's fucking appalling conduct of the TAFF race!"
Mrs Hansen then asked what, if the Leader of the Opposition was such a bloody great patriot, he was doing when she alone and unaided repelled the Puerto Rican invader from the Falkland Islands.
Mr Pickinnock replied that as he recalled he spent much of that year falling out of his pram.
Dr Owen Daveoak, Leader of the Owen Daveoak Party (West Ham 2, Arsenal 1) said that the Prime Minister's speech was totally and utterly wonderful, brilliant, incisive, an inspiration to all true democrats and he could not have said it better himself. He then proved it by saying it himself, much worse than anyone would have believed possible.
In an unprecedented intervention, Mr Daffyd Ashford, Leader of the Social Democratic Allied Liberals (SODEMALL, Reading and Harlech), put his head between his hands and moaned softly several times.
Raising a point of order and cracking her bullwhip imperiously down on it, Ms Roz Kaveney (Deviant Socialist, Leatherhead), asked if anyone had happened to see her signature on the Charter 88 advertisements, and further whether the House would be interested to hear how many really really famous people all personal friends of course had also signed the Charter. Perhaps Honourable Members would find it diverting to be told how she herself [Miss Abigail Skinner (Beast of Bethnal Green): "Divert yourself, small-change!"] had been personally asked to sign Charter 88 with her own hand. The House should pay more attention to constitutional issues, especially those which were really useful career moves for herself. Then again of course there was the latest on her novel, which according to her agent, Women against Violence against Women had expressed serious interest in possibly burning if she made a few changes and they could come to an agreement regarding film rights, next time she saw them in the Grouch. [Mr Neil Gaiman (Gaiman Liberation Front, Chiltern Millions): "Bring back the soap-opera!"]
Ms Caroline Mullan (Sensible, Beccon Beacons) said Mr Gaiman's timely intervention raised the serious and urgent question of broadcasting policy. Was the House aware that the mood of the nation was strongly in favour of round-the-clock closed-circuit coverage of convention committee meetings and for conventions to institute the post of Gopher Guest of Honour? Could not time be found for a debate under the 20% Rule about this matter which had shocked the conscience of every Christian community in Europe?
The House then witnessed a touching spectacle not seen since the Rump Parliament of 1648, as Mr Daffyd Ashford curled up into the foetal position, switched off his hearing-aid, stuffed his thumb into his mouth and emitted pathetic if obscure squeaky noises. Rushing to his aid, Mrs Hazel Langford (Women Against Air Pollution, Harlech and Reading) tripped over Ms Kaveney's bullwhip and fell to the floor of the House in an undignified posture. Cheered by a delighted and unanimous House, she twisted the whip round Ms Kaveney's neck in a complex cable pattern, pulled it tight and continued on her mission of mercy.
Summing up for the Opposition, Mr Pickinnock said that any one who took any notice of what the Prime Minister said had to be out of their fucking mind. He had great plans for Mexicon III, if only fucking Christie would exercise his independent right to do what he was fucking told. Michael Ashley was a wanker and not worth the attention of the House, whereas Dave Hodson was a good old boy and anyone who said different was a cissy.
The Prime Minister, summing up for the Government, said that the severity of her measures against Mr Michael Ashley showed once again that the Consummatives were the caring party. In the interests of a kinder and gentler Britain she would make sure he was smashed, pulverized, torn into little bits, utterly annihilated and made to get a much more stylish haircut. And this was just the start -- what she would do to Mr D West would make Armageddon look like the Martha Beck affair. First she would --
The Prime Minister's speech was then unfortunately curtailed by an unparliamentary incident, as hordes of unwashed deviants calling themselves The Travelling Dave Berries abseiled sinuously down into the House from the public gallery, and twined themselves in a regrettably suggestive manner round the Mace. Asked by Mr Speaker (John Brosnan) to account for their disgusting behaviour, their spokesperson, Gamma (for it was he), said in measured but passionate tones which reminded older members of such great orators as Nye Bevan: "ANYONE WANT TO FUCK?"
With a unanimous cry of "Not with you, sunshine!", those few Members who were still awake adjourned to the Troy Club.
The Co-Operative Cauliflower 1 (March 1989)
ed. Harry Bond